Hearts Breaking Even
by newslayer
Summary: A sequel to 'Kite'. Despite the best of intentions, things can still go horribly wrong.


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Hearts Breaking Even

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Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't want them.

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Author's Note: This is a sequel to my first WAT story, "Kite". It's not based in a complex concept, but you might want to check that fic first to fully understand this one.

The song is "Hearts Breaking Even" by Bon Jovi, from their album 'These Days'. To be honest, I stubbornly think this is the best song in the history of mankind. I do. Musically, it's flawless. And Jon's affected voice is the perfect complement to it. It reminds me of a very broken hearted, very drunk man. A lousy drunk (witness me babble over a song, while quoting Dawson's Creek!!!). The effect is amazing. If you haven't heard it, it's your loss, believe me.

You know how I feel about songfics, I would never hold it against you if you skip the lyrics. But if you're ever to read one's -- anyone's lyrics, let it be this time. Please. Pretty please. With Martin on top?

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Rating: Still PG to be sure. S/M. Still not a happy resolution, just a short vignette. 

Feedback much needed!

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He barely heard the thunder over the music, and the people talking inside the bar. But he wouldn't have heard it even if the whole city had been silent. His clouded mind was somewhere else, somewhere he often visited in his dreams lately. He knew there was no possibility he would remember her clearer, even if he had a picture of her in front of him. 

The empty glasses on the counter told a story of sincere efforts to avoid thinking. To dive into oblivion. To forget. To forget? Maybe not. He wasn't sure he wanted to do that. He wasn't sure of much nowadays. All he wanted was the pain to stop. 

Martin heard the second thunder distinctively, the lightning shaking him out of his reverie. He sobered up slowly, taking in the surroundings. He felt like he hadn't shaved, or showered, or changed his clothes in a couple of days. He felt like he needed another drink.

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It's a cold, cold, cold, cold, cold night tonight

And I can't get you off of my mind

God knows I've tried

Whatever certainty had driven him to her house was vanished by now, only replaced by a fair amount of doubts. He missed her already, the way she laughed, the way she smiled. The sadness, the pity in her eyes as she said goodbye for the last time. He wondered if she had known better than him how much it would hurt him as well.

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Did I throw away the best part of my life?

When I cut you off did I cut myself

With the same damn knife?

Yes indeed, he had turned out everything but unscathed. And both knew it by now. The weather matched his mood, and he had decided to head anywhere but home. The last thing he needed was to be haunted until suffocated by memories of her. Still memories hadn't seemed really picky when it came to his location.

He heard her from time to time. Calling his name silently. Did that even make sense? He wished she would have yelled at him. He'd rather have her angry and stubborn than submissive and understanding. But she knew just as well that this was the only possible option if they ever wanted to try being something other than friends. Other courses of action were to be left unexplored in the name of righteousness.

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Hide my tears in the pouring rain

Had my share of hurt and pain

Don't say my name, run away

'Cause it's all in vain

The fact that most of it was beyond their control drove him crazy. The fact that it couldn't be helped ripped him from the inside. Yet what hurt him the most, what broke his heart was that after so much effort, he had been the one to screw it all up.

She had sensed something was wrong from the start, their little date soon forgotten. He rehearsed the words in his head, afraid of what she could say to him. Scared of the hold she had over him, fully aware that if she said the right words she could convince him to desist from his original purpose. She would be able to talk him out of whatever he had his mind set on. But she didn't. She just looked at him sadly, not surprised and nodded. 

'You're right' was all she could manage. And it was all he wanted her to take back.

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My hearts breaking even

Now there's no use we even try

Hey I cried, yeah I lied, Hell I almost died

Don't got a reason, let's just

Fold the cards and say goodbye

It's alright, just

Two hearts breaking even tonight

It wasn't like he hadn't been attracted to her from day one. Deep inside he just wished she would smile and cast his suspicions away. He hoped she would say he was not only wrong but delusional, and that she wanted him, only him. She didn't. 

"You're right. Dealing with Jack is something I have to do on my own."

And still he knew by the tremble of her lower lip that she was hurting. That whatever they had meant something for her, and that she had hoped against hope he would never bring the subject up. It confused him somehow. He hadn't dared to expect a true display of emotion. Not from the strongest woman he knew.

"I know you must be confused" She had said, seeing his frown "And to be honest I don't think I fully understand what's going on" She smiled tiredly and sat down. Times like these the slight pain in her leg made her feel more vulnerable. She couldn't ignore the fact that she hadn't been the same after getting shot. There was no use to it. 

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It's been a long, long, long, long, long time

Since I've had your love here in my hands

We didn't understand it, we couldn't understand it

"I feel like I have a second chance at my life and I want to play it right." He had nodded and sighed, making her promise she would let him now as soon as Jack and her got some closure.

She had smiled again, brighter this time. 

"I'd say that life's never easy, but I have a feeling this time we're the ones who've made it hard for themselves" The bitterness in her voice was more than he could have resisted in any circumstances. The gap between them was closed silently and he had held her as she whispered her heart felt apologies. 

That had been the moment to leave. Things had been said, promises had been made, both could have dealt with tomorrow. At some point he wished he had. Because that had been the very same moment when hell had broken loose.

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But nothing's fair in love and hate

You lay it all down and walk away

Before it's too late

Martin swallowed hard the drink and ordered another one. He had lost count of them, but he could tell by the look on the bartender's face that he would be getting a cab soon. He didn't mind. 

Things would have been perfect left alone the way they were. Of course, that wasn't even an option with Samantha Spade. He had felt her shift into his arms and subsided to her wishes. A kiss goodbye. A single, solitaire, innocent kiss goodbye, that had been his honest intention. He doubted she had hoped for more as well. 

They should have known it was a terrible idea. 

During the night he had taken turns at blaming himself, her, God, Jack. He smiled bitterly. Things had a funny way of going back to the very same point they were in the beginning.

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Danced all night as the music played

The sheets got tangled in the mess we made

There, in the stains, we remain

No one left to blame

He had held her as she slept, finding it physically impossible to disentangle himself from her. He had watched her peaceful features for hours, almost sure he had never seen her as safe or relaxed. He wondered what was he supposed to say or do. He wondered how much things had changed. He hadn't had enough time to find answers for all his questions before she had awakened. 

Holding all the answers herself. 

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My hearts breaking even

Now there's no use we even try

Hey I cried, yeah I lied, Hell I almost died

Don't got a reason, let's just

Fold the cards and say goodbye

It's alright, just

Two hearts breaking even tonight

The look in her eyes was unusual, almost of disbelief. He had been sure she hadn't expected him to stay. She had caught on his deduction.

"I still think you should go" She had told him, staring into his eyes. He had started to say something, but she had stopped him. "Don't worry about me. I'm used to this"

And then again, her bitter smile was infinitely worse than all the yelling and the anger he would have expected from her. 

"I never wanted it to be like this for us. I wanted it be different. No hiding, no secrets, no life in the shadows..." He had choked on the words, and the tears had threatened to fall down her cheeks. 

She had turned her back on him, and he had taken it as his cue to leave. His mind had been racing, debating. What was he supposed to do now, go on with his life? It wasn't in his nature.

By the time the sound of her soft sobs reached his ears he had already run back into her room, kissing her tears away. She had accepted him gladly, which didn't mean she had changed her mind.

"Go, please" She had pleaded with him "Go before I start to think there's something here. Maybe someday it'll be different"

The door had been left open.

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Go on, get on with your life

Yeah, and I'll get on with mine

Broken hearts can't call the cops

Yeah, it's the perfect crime

Twisting and turning the night keeps me yearning

I'm burning alive

I'm paying the price again

But I'll see the light again

And there he was, trying to drown his sorrow in cheap whisky. After all, it would be the only way he knew he would finally get some sleep. He hated the fact that he still had to pay for being the newcomer, for not having met her before, for not realizing what was right in front of him from the beginning. 

He hated that she had to go through so much and that he couldn't keep her from whatever consequences her past actions had.

He hated to feel useless, helpless. He wanted to avoid thinking, to dive into oblivion. He wanted to forget. But her lips, those lips...

Maybe.

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My hearts breaking even

Now there's no use we even try

Hey I cried, yeah I lied, Hell I almost died

Don't got a reason, let's just

Fold the cards and say goodbye

It's alright, just

Two hearts breaking even tonight

He reached for the bartender who had already called him a cab. It wasn't surprising, given the fact that he was almost the last person there. He paid for his drinks and got out holding onto everything he could. 

Well, it could have been worse or so he though. At least it wasn't like they were in love or anything. Right? 

Somehow, the only thing he was certain about was that he didn't trust much his judgement anymore.

THE END - FINITO - CAPUT - FIN - ENDE - FINALE - FIM - DONE 

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Written by Mary S. OK, I know, not my brightest hour, but I needed to get this out of my chest. Besides, this will surely be edited 4 or 5 times more before its final version. Feedback is greatly appreciated.


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